My Story

Food dictated my body image, relationships, time, and health.

When I was 12 I started to become aware that my body was changing. Yes, it was puberty, but I still didn’t want to accept the rounded hips and fuller thighs. I thought I could minimize my body changes. By 15 I was religiously counting calories and excessively exercising to stay below my daily caloric limit.

I hated my body and I hated that I loved food.

I started to resent meal time because I was so meticulous about what I was eating. My mindset was that food = calories and calories were the enemy. I would mull over two bites of ice cream and the only thing that would make that feeling go away was if I burned off twice as many calories in my workout that day.

Throughout my high school years, I continuously did research into nutrition and different diet fads- perhaps Keto or paleo would make me feel healthy enough to stop calorie counting. But, no carbs? No peanut butter? That wasn’t the solution I was looking for. I slowly became more frustrated with myself.

I had rock solid 6- pack abs and was at the lowest body fat for women. Why was I still unhappy?

I was still anxious about eating dinner with my parents that were growing more concerned about my small frame, and I felt judged when I ate salads at lunch. I also had stomach pains and random bouts of bloating that GI doctors couldn’t attribute to anything. I still saw a belly pooch when I sat down, and thought, “I’m fat.” I thought about food 24/7 and everything I ate had a direct thought linked to it telling me I made a good or bad choice.

Eventually, I figured out that having a nice physique didn’t make me confident. Being a gym rat and knowing how many calories everything has didn’t make me healthy. Telling myself that I was fat, dumb, and weird didn’t make me happy.

Health never was just physical. It’s mental and spiritual too.

I started a new journey to health and fitness, but this time the goal was to enjoy the process and to be happy. There were a lot of backwards steps along the way, but more going forward. I saw where I was sabotaging myself and I knew that if I wanted to be healthy and if I wanted to be happy with myself, I had to be willing to let go of everything in my way.

I let go of toxic habits and created new ones that built a healthier and more sustainable lifestyle.

I ditched the calorie counter, did some soul searching, researched fitness and nutrition, transitioned to a plant-based diet, cut ties with toxic people, found a sustainable fitness routine, and worked on balancing my schedule.

For me, these changes took a ton of mental strength and multiple years, but throughout the process, I found happiness.